I noticed something new this morning. Well, new on a visceral level, that is. Conceptually, I have known for a long time that I am not just one self. Although there are lots of ways to codify the self, from the perspective I accessed this morning, I saw two unique inner identities. They each live distinctly within their own worldviews. And each carries a palpable energy about them, qualitatively different from the other.
When I am doing my work with clients, for example, for the most part, I am usually identified with the me that is trusting in the process, wants to be a part of that process, while at the same time knows that she is not in charge of it. That me lives her life based on trust. She trusts that Love is real, that the Universe is Benevolent. And she feels grateful to be a part of that Creative Flow. This part of me stays right here and now and follows where she is led, one moment at a time, like a string of clues, each one leading to the next. This me stays in tune with her own inner being, the evolution of the client and in an active receptive position with the Unfolding Process. The key to this part of me is that she stays in relationship all the way around. She trusts in connection. And she knows that it is the connection that brings about the evolution of all healing, hers and her client’s.
I have experienced this same me in other areas of my life, as well, outside my office. And these moments stand out in bold relief from the rest of my life - for example when I made the decision to leave my first marriage, when I invited my dad to come and see me on his way out of this life - (and he did) - and when I made the decision to marry my second husband. There are details to these life-stories that I won’t go into now, but the important thing about them is that in each of these life transitions, after a time of confusion and self-doubt, I moved into a space of deep clarity. I was all lined up inside. I was at one with myself and my truth. I knew my truth and nothing outside of me, then or now could convince me otherwise.
The other distinct part of me that I move into on a daily basis is the me that is governed by fear, guilt and shame. She is the me that I made up I must really be based on my assumptions from my childhood experiences - in short, that I must be less-than. Again, I won’t go into the detail here, but this takes me to what I noticed this morning for the first time. This second me that experienced her own version of childhood wounding is anything but connected. She is split within herself. There is a self and then there is that self’s critic – there are two parts to this me. And those two parts are forever entwined into this separate identity. It takes both parts, at odds with each other for this me to exist. Unlike the first identity that experiences herself connected to the Flow, the very foundation of this second inner-identity is divided in two. It is split off from itself, from others and from the Life Force. And there is one more important characteristic: it is always either complying with or rebelling from either a literal external authority or an internalized external authority. This part is never at ease. She, by definition lives in constant self-doubt about her truth.
Here’s what I am noticing: The first me's authority is a space within herself that she intuits. She follows clues. She lives in her heart, her intuition, her sensing-body and in the relationship between herself and O/others. She is led by Wisdom. She knows herself to be a part of Something bigger. She feels sure and aligned, inside. All One.
The second me is always trying to figure out which authority, both inside and outside, to listen to to tell her who she is, because she doesn't know. She spends her time either believing or running from all the negative possibilites. She stays in constant conflict and confusion. She lives in her head. She tries really hard to get it right. She never does. She feels vaporous and splintered, inside.